You're Not Friends
by lexie823
Summary: Rufus comes across Lucy crying late at night after a fight with Wyatt and delivers some tough love. This is set post 2.7.
1. Chapter 1

_Author's Note:_ _This takes place sometime after 2.7. For the purpose of this story, I'm embracing the premise that the clip of Jessica that Mason found on a reconstructed Rittenhouse hard drive means that she is in cahoots with Rittenhouse. The initial inspiration came from V_EvilRegal_'s Youtube video Falling Around You and the voice over from Spike (Buffy). I love the video and think it quite aptly portrays the relationship between Lucy and Wyatt but chose to have Rufus use Spike's words to deliver some tough love to Lucy. For those that are interested I highly recommend you check out this video._

 _Disclaimer:_ _Sadly I own neither Timeless or Buffy. I'm just borrowing the characters for a short time._

You're Not Friends

It was past two am when Rufus strolled into the bunker's kitchen intent on getting a glass of water. What he found instead was Lucy. The petite historian had some large ancient tome open in front of her and an untouched cup of tea at her elbow. But rather than reading until her eyes crossed as Rufus would have expected, she had her head in her hands, brunette curls hiding her face from view, shoulders shaking with the force of her silent sobs. She was so upset she didn't notice when Rufus pulled a chair up next to her and sat down. It wasn't until he reached out and tentatively touched her shoulder that Lucy startled and raised tear drenched eyes to see who had disturbed her. Clearly, Rufus thought, she had been crying for quite a while.

" _Lucy, hey, what's all this?"_

When she just shrugged her shoulders he asked _"Your latest fight with Wyatt?"_

Rufus already knew the answer. Anyone that had been in the bunker that afternoon would know the answer. Well Wyatt probably wouldn't but that's because his head was currently so far up his ass it was a wonder he could see where he was going. Rufus' tolerance for his best friend was wearing rather thin.

The argument between Lucy and the hot headed soldier when they returned from their latest mission had been a spectacular one. From the second the lifeboat touched down in 1850 they had disagreed on everything. Somehow they had managed to hold together some level of professionalism while on the mission but the second the lifeboat landed back in the bunker the gloves were off. Rufus couldn't even remember what started it, not that it mattered, but he thought that this was the worst one to date and that was saying something. There had been a lot of arguments lately.

" _Yeah. No use pretending. It's just that… whatever else, I thought Wyatt and I were friends. But now …"_

Rufus pulled Lucy in for a quick hug before delivering the bad news. He might not be all that great with the relationship stuff, he made plenty of mistakes with Jiya, but even he knew the answer to this one.

" _You're not friends."_

" _What?"_

Lucy just stared at him. Her expression equal parts shock and hurt.

" _Look Lucy, you and Wyatt, you'll never be friends. Even before Hollywood, almost from the beginning really, there was something between you. Jessica coming back got in the way but that something was still there."_

" _Yes but Jessica did come back Rufus. And Wyatt … well, we agreed to be friends"_

Rufus let out a harsh laugh at Lucy's statement. He could see that she didn't understand so he tried to explain.

" _Wyatt's in love with you Lucy. He might not have said it but he is. Has been for quite a while. Jessica coming back didn't change that and now that she's gone, well that's just confused things even more. And despite whatever messed up thing you've got going with Flynn -"_

" _But… "_

" _Trust me, he's in love with you."_

" _No, Wyatt cared about me, maybe still does …"_

Rufus just held up a hand to silence whatever protest or argument she was about to make. In his opinion, Lucy needed to hear this.

Lucy sat back and crossed her arms, reluctantly prepared to listen.

" _As I was saying, despite Flynn, I'm pretty sure you're still in love with Wyatt. The way things are going, you'll be in love till it kills you both."_

" _Rufus, love shouldn't feel like this."_

He could hear the hurt in Lucy's voice. God, he wished Jiya was here. She was so much better at this sort of thing. Still, if any of them were to have peace this needed to be done. So Rufus manned up and prepared to say what needed to be said.

" _Look, having Jessica back really messed with Wyatt. I think it was hard for him to realize that they were both different people and that his marriage wasn't quite what he remembered. Her betrayal just about sent him over the edge. And that's how he views your relationship, whatever it is, with Flynn. A betrayal."_

" _But that's just stupid. I know he's messed up about Jessica. I don't blame him. But my relationship with Garcia has nothing to do with Wyatt. He made his choice. What I do or don't do is none of Wyatt's business "_

Lucy's tone grew in volume and anger as she went on. Rufus just held his hands up in surrender.

" _Hey, I know and I agree up to a point. Thing is, Wyatt's not seeing things clearly right now. So you'll fight."_

" _Always have"_ Lucy states somewhat ruefully.

" _Yeah, but not like this. It's not fair but I think you make a handy target for Wyatt's anger at Jessica and himself. Toss in Flynn and you get the shit-storm he's currently throwing your way. I doubt that will change until he works through this. Probably won't help, but Wyatt wouldn't be this mad if he didn't love you so much."_

Lucy gives a snort of laughter and Rufus is shocked at the bitterness of her next words.

" _It doesn't. "_

" _Figured. But if you're both not careful you'll end up hating each other till you quiver. Lovers or enemies Lucy, that's pretty much it, but you'll never be friends."_

Rufus gave Lucy one last hug then walked away leaving Lucy to spend the rest of the night thinking about what he said. She knew he probably went back to Jiya, but Lucy couldn't help but wish that Rufus went off to find Wyatt and deliver the same verbal ass kicking that she just received.


	2. Talk Some Sense To Me

_A/N: So I decided you were all correct. Wyatt also need's some of Rufus' tough love. And frankly, I wanted to see what that would look like. So without further ado, here is Rufus verbally kicking Wyatt's ass._

 _There will be at least one more chapter. We need some sort of happy resolution. I might do more than one chapter. Lucy and Wyatt might both need to do a little soul searching._

Talk Some Sense To Me

It had been a week since Rufus found Lucy alone and crying in the middle of the night. One truly awful week. By the next morning Rufus had resolved to talk to Wyatt but Rittenhouse had other ideas. Four days of endless jumps left the the team with increasingly fraying tempers. Wyatt had given any pretense of civility, regardless of mission status, towards Flynn and Lucy and was only slightly better with Rufus and the rest of the team. Three days later and they were all still trying to recover.

Lucy had mostly spent those days with Flynn, both of them trying to stay as far out of Wyatt's way as possible. Wyatt decided to go on a bender and spent those days in a whiskey infused haze, sniping at Flynn and Lucy whenever their paths crossed. Rufus spent most of his time with Jiya, trying to cope with the fallout caused by her visions of his death. He prayed that Wyatt would pull his head out of his ass so that the conversation they were about to have wouldn't be necessary.

It all came to a head during a strategy session called by Agent Christopher. She could feel the team spiraling out of control and Rufus knew this was her way of trying to get them to refocus and remind them of their common enemy. Unfortunately it failed spectacularly. Wyatt's outburst, after Christopher laid out the top Rittenhouse members to be taken out, pretty much ended the meeting.

" _Yeah, well, the next time I get the chance to take out Lucy's mom, I won't hesitate. Maybe we wouldn't be here if I would have just taken that shot."_

Lucy's gasp of pain didn't stop Wyatt from continuing. Everyone else just froze, unable to believe what just came out of his mouth; not knowing that worse was to come.

" _Although we really should be looking at Lucy on this one. After all, she's the one who spent six weeks at Rittenhouse headquarters. Plenty of time to take out Carol. Right babydoll?"_

The bitterness and angry edge in Wyatt's voice could've flayed skin. Lucy looked like it had flayed her's straight to the bone.

Jiya, Mason, and Agent Christopher just looked on horrified. Rufus and Flynn locked eyes and instantly agreed on a plan. Flynn wrapped his arms around a distraught Lucy and carried her off to his room before she had a chance to say anything. He would deal with Wyatt. Far less chance of bloodshed that way. Probably.

" _You, now."_ Rufus tapped Wyatt on the shoulder and pointed in the direction of the team's makeshift gym.

Wyatt opened his mouth to protest but Rufus simply repeated _"Now"_ in a tone that left no room for argument.

Together they made their way down the hall. Once in the gym, Rufus shut the door, not that it would provide much privacy. He had a feeling this conversation would be a loud one.

Wyatt slouched against the wall, arms crossed, insolent expression on his face. Clearly not in a listening mood. _Here goes nothing_ thought Rufus.

" _Dude, not cool, not cool at all! What the hell was that?'_

" _What was what? Me asking some needed questions? In fact how do we know Lucy's not Rittenhouse? Jessica played the long game. Lucy could be too."_

Rufus was pretty sure the expression on his face indicated that he thought Wyatt had lost his mind.

" _Will you just listen to yourself? Look, I know Jessica being Rittenhouse really messed with your head, but Lucy being Rittenhouse? That's insane. She's the most loyal person I've ever met. She has more reason to take down Rittenhouse than any of us."_

Wyatt just shook his head in disbelief.

' _Wyatt, you've got to stop this. You're about to fuck up the best thing that's happened to you in years."_

" _What, Lucy? She's made her position perfectly clear. She's with that, that … terrorist."_

Rufus' hands balled into fists at Wyatt's mocking laughter The urge to punch his best friend was almost controllable. _He's hurting. He's your friend and he's hurting_ Rufus reminded himself.

" _Yeah, well that 'terrorist' is currently taking far better care of Lucy than you are."_

Wyatt started towards Rufus, a murderous look on his face. Knowing that he might regret it, Rufus stood his ground.

" _Wyatt, you're my best friend. Man, I love you. But you need to sit down and shut up. There are some things you need to hear."_

After a long look, Wyatt did as requested and took a seat on the weight bench.

" _Do you know what I was doing last week. I was comforting Lucy. The night we got back from 1850, I found her in the kitchen, sobbing her heart out over your sorry ass."_

That got Wyatt's attention. He was suddenly much more focused on Rufus' words.

" _Yeah, she was upset because, after everything, you guys agreed to still be friends and she was hurt and confused because you'd been using her as a verbal punching bag. Just a convenient target for your anger at Jessica, at yourself, and at Flynn."_

" _But -"_

Shaking his head, Rufus cut Wyatt off.

" _Nope. This isn't Wyatt's turn to talk. This is Rufus talking and Wyatt listening. Understood?"_

Slightly surprised at this side of Rufus, Wyatt nodded his head yes.

" _You're in love with Lucy. You were in love with her when Rittenhouse had her. You were in love with her in 1941 and you're in love with her now."_

When Wyatt didn't argue, Rufus continued.

" _I'm gonna tell you the same thing I told Lucy. Lovers or enemies, Wyatt, that's it. You'll never be 'friends.' And the way you're going, you're gonna be enemies."_

Wyatt still wasn't saying anything but Rufus could tell that he still wasn't quite getting it.

" _Look, that woman has done nothing but love you. When we stole the Lifeboat to save Jessica, Lucy asked how she could help even though it hurt her. She was prepared to sacrifice her chance to get Amy back to so you could get your wife back. And her heart broke for you when it didn't work. In Hollywood she gave herself to you without reservation. When Jessica came back, Lucy gave you up. She stepped back so you could have a chance to make your marriage work despite the pain it caused her. Hell, she even convinced Jessica to stay because you told Lucy that having your wife back was worth anything."_

Silent tears were slowly trickling down Wyatt's face and Rufus knew that he was starting to get through to the other man. This next part was going to be the worst. It would hurt Wyatt but it needed to be done.

" _And you. Well, let's see, you told Lucy that she hadn't lost you. You slept with her in 1941 and then you ran off without a word when you got Jessica's text. You brought Jessica back to the bunker without a thought about how that would make Lucy feel. She had to see you and Jessica together everyday, hear you every night, and then you expected Lucy to treat you exactly the same as she always had. After Jessica left, you made Lucy the sole focus of all your hurt and anger. And just now, you told Lucy that you regretted not_ _killing_ _her mom and said that she should have been the one to do it."_

Rufus couldn't quite keep the disgust from his voice. Wyatt's head dropped to his hands, tears flowing freely as the truth of Rufus' words took hold. Knowing there was no other way, Rufus took a deep breath and prepared to deliver the killing blow.

" _And Flynn. For someone who doesn't want Lucy with Flynn, you're doing a damn good job of sending her straight into his arms. And right now, I can't blame her. You need to figure it out Wyatt. And figure it out fast, before you lose her for good."_

With that Rufus turned and walked away. He stopped in the doorway and looked back to face his friend.

" _And Wyatt, figure it out without the whiskey. It's not helping."_

Wyatt sat in the weight room for a long time after Rufus left. He really couldn't argue with anything his friend has said. Wyatt had no idea how to proceed but the first thing he did when he left the weight room was to pour the contents of his remaining bottles of whiskey down the drain. It wasn't much, but it was a start.


	3. If This Isn't Good For Me

_A/N: Sorry this took so long. Between life and trying to get this just right, it took a while._

 _So the title and this chapter were inspired by lines from Katelyn Tarver's song 'You Don't Know." The part that really spoke to me and that I felt expressed what Lucy is feeling is listed below._

 _So let me just give up_

 _So let me just let go_

 _If this isn't good for me_

 _Well, I don't wanna know_

 _Let me just stop trying_

 _Let me just stop fighting_

 _I also was inspired, despite it being a Garcy video, by DorysEv.'s 'You Don't Know' video on YouTube._

 _However much I love these lyrics, I didn't want to leave Lucy with the slightly defeatist attitude that they imply. Instead I wanted to use these feelings to springboard Lucy onto a bit of a journey. IMO, both she and Wyatt need to go on one if they are going to ever find their way back to each other. The start of his journey is the next chapter. It's almost done. Just tweaking some things. As always, reviews are always appreciated._

If This Isn't Good For Me Then I Don't Want To Know

Lucy sat on Garcia's bed and slowly sipped from the glass of vodka that he had given her. He had scooped her up and half carried her to his room where he gently deposited her on his bed. She had initially attempted to get up and get past him. To head back to the bunker's kitchen and continue whatever that scene was with Wyatt but Garcia refused to allow her to leave.

"Nope. Not gonna happen. You don't need to be out there for that."

"Damn you Garcia. How dare he? If he thinks that he can just say things like that and get away with it then he has another thing coming. Where does he get off telling me what the hell I should have done. He has no right to tell me anything anymore."

By the time she had finished she was practically shouting. She could feel the anger rolling off her body in waves. There was so much hatred in her right now after that little speech and Wyatt Logan was the perfect target. 99% of that hatred was directed at him anyway.

Garcia simply raised his hands up in a gesture of surrender and began to speak to her in soothing tones.

"Lucy, I'm glad that you're finally starting to express the anger that you had to have been feeling for a long time. It's a good thing. In my mind you're not nearly angry enough, but I'm not going to let you go out there and confront Wyatt right now. No possible good can come of it."

If looks could have killed, but Garcia didn't let that stop him from continuing. "If you have this conversation right now, while you are both this angry, there will be no coming back from anything that either of you say."

The long bitter laugh that escaped at his words shocked even her. "Really? How the hell can you possibly think that we have any way forward after this?"

At that she burst into tears and Garcia gathered her into his arms. He held her and rocked her as she wept for what seemed like days. When would she be done crying over Wyatt Logan? It obviously wasn't the first time, when he had told her goodbye and went to steal the Lifeboat to get Jessica back. She didn't think that she could really be blamed for crying the second time, when her mother had told her that he, Rufus, Jiya, and all of her friends and coworkers from Mason Industries were dead. The tears that she had shed after he left her without a word when Jessica texted or the ones after that when he uttered the fatal words that had destroyed everything, _"Jessica's alive,"_ those should have been the last. But here she was, once again sobbing over a hurt caused by Wyatt.

When she had finally calmed, Garcia rose, poured her a glass of vodka, and told her to drink. So here she was. Drinking vodka in Garcia Flynn's room after having her heart broken, again. And somehow this enigmatic man, who had become a surprisingly good friend, thought that there might be something left to salvage from the smoking embers of her friendship and brief relationship with the broken Delta Force Soldier.

"Yes, Lucy. I think there is something left to salvage. There is a fine line between love and hate and I don't think what Wyatt Logan feels is hate. And however much you want it to be, I don't think that is really what you feel for him either."

The look that he gave her was filled with compassion and understanding and something else that she couldn't identify.

"I can't keep doing this. There is no possible way this is good for me, but …" She took another large drink from the glass as she tried to pull her thoughts together. Tried to think of how to explain her complicated feelings to this man when she couldn't even explain them to herself. Of course, he claimed to know her better than she knew herself and he had her journal. Perhaps he might understand more than she had previously given him credit for.

"I think the person that I really hate most is myself. I don't hate Wyatt, you're right about that. I wish I could. Or, hate isn't all that I feel for him." Lucy looked up at Garcia hoping that he could help her to understand.

"See, I went into this with my eyes open. From the first night that I met Wyatt, his sole focus has been on getting Jessica back. I knew that and I allowed myself to fall in love with him anyway. Despite the fact that I always knew she would be lurking there like some shadowy ghost, I took the plunge anyway."

By now, Garcia had poured his own glass and he took a long swallow at her words. "The heart wants what it wants Lucy. You can't control where you love." Another large gulp, he couldn't quite bring himself to meet her eyes, and he continued. "Sometimes you just find yourself drawn to someone. Find yourself aware of their every movement. Somehow you have the ability to read them and know what they are thinking and feeling. What they need. You want to make them smile, heal their pain, protect them from harm. Without knowing it, you find yourself neck-deep in love. It just happens."

"So you understand." She sent him a look of commiseration.

"Yeah, I understand." His look was somewhat bitter and she wondered if he was thinking of Lorena.

"Maybe I should just stop fighting it. Just give up and accept that I'm going to be in love with Wyatt until I die." She sent a bitter smile his direction. "Telling myself that I have to stop loving him doesn't seem to be working."

Another drink for both of them. They sat in silence for a while. Garcia in his uncomfortable, too small chair, legs stretched out before him and Lucy sitting curled into herself and huddled under a blanket on his bed. Each of them lost in memories that brought as much pain as they did joy. Finally he roused himself to speak.

"I didn't say that you would be in love with Wyatt until you die. I don't know the answer to that. But, I do know that you need to stop fighting it. Admit it, accept it, and try to live with it."

His eyes were haunted as he looked up at her again. "It helps. Not fighting with yourself or blaming yourself eliminates one source of pain and turmoil. Then you just try to … move forward."

"I don't know how to do that Garcia. Move forward. He's been my touchstone since this started. It's all jumbled up together inside. Friendship and reliability, desire, love, and now all these feelings of anger and hatred and betrayal. How do I get past that?"

She can't face him as she speaks. These thoughts and feelings are so huge and personal. She has always been someone who can barely admit her feelings to herself let alone to someone else. That was one of the things she loved, loves, about Wyatt. That she felt comfortable opening herself up to him. Did it without even thinking about it. She's beyond amazed that she is having this conversation with Garcia and admits that the alcohol might have something to do with her level of openness. Lucy still can't believe that she will write all of this down and give it to him.

He appears to be seriously pondering her question. It takes a long while and several more sips for both of them. They are each well into their fourth glass before he attempts to answer.

"Forgive yourself for what you see as your past mistakes or weaknesses. You love Wyatt. That's where you are now. Give it time. Focus on rebuilding yourself."

She looked up at him a bit in shock at his words. Focus on herself? Never in her life has she done that. Always, her first thoughts have been for others. What would make her mother happy? How did Amy feel? What did Wyatt need? How could she ease his pain? She wouldn't even know how to begin to put herself first.

"You have so much strength and courage. Everyone but you can see it. So be your own security. Do what it takes so that you feel … comfortable is the wrong word but … more, I don't know, at home in this world that you've had thrust upon you."

She is watching him as Garcia describes her. Strong, is that really how he sees her? How the others see her? She finds herself nodding in response to his words. The idea of being secure in herself is an attractive one. Lucy doesn't think she has ever really been secure in who she is. She thought she was starting to find that with Wyatt but maybe that is something she has to find on her own.

"Okay. I feel a bit like a broken record but how?"

Again, he considers carefully before answering. "Maybe focus on some self defense and weapons training. You can think on your feet and your knowledge of practically any point in history and all of the potential ramifications of its change is fucking impressive, but I don't think Stanford offered a lot in the way of target practice or hand to hand combat."

She let out a genuine laugh at that. "No, that was always Amy. She didn't go in for weapons but she was a fanatic for physical fitness and loved her Judo classes. She used to try to get me to join her. Told me it would be good for me."

"Well, your sister would know you best out of any of us and I can't say that she's wrong. So that's where we start. We get you set up with a good workout, some target practice, and some self defense classes. Since our go to guy for that isn't going to be an option, I'm happy to help or I can talk to Denise if you would feel more comfortable with her."

"Thanks." She considered him for a moment. "I think you will make a good instructor Garcia."

Her smile this time is real, not the full mega-wat radiance that would normally encompass a Lucy Preston smile, but real nonetheless. For the first time since returning from Salem, Lucy feels like she might have a bit of solid ground beneath her feet. It's not much but she has a plan. She loves Wyatt. She hates Wyatt. She doesn't really know anymore. Whatever she feels, it just is. So she'll stop trying to fight it. She won't think about it. For the first time in her life Lucy Preston is going to focus on herself and see where that takes her.


	4. In The Sober Light Of Day

_A/N: Just a quick snippet of Wyatt. He still has some things issues that he needs to admit to himself and start to address. This chapter is only the beginning._

In The Sober Light Of Day

He rolled over in the predawn semi-darkness and wanted to die. That one simple action set off a symphony of bongo drums and sledge hammers in his head which matched the pain that he felt in his shattered heart. Wyatt forced himself to just lie there and breathe, slowly drawing in one deep inhale and letting it loose before taking another. Prayed that the stress management exercise recommended to him by an Army psychologist whose name he had long since forgotten would quiet the pounding in his head. He was absolutely positive that there was no exercise that would soothe the aching in his heart. God he hoped Rittenhouse didn't jump today. He did NOT think that he could handle being flung through all of space and time right now. As he sat up, his stomach rolled and snippets of his conversation with Rufus broke through his massive hangover.

" _You're in love with Lucy."_

" _I found her sobbing her heart out over your sorry ass."_

" _Hurt because you'd been using her as a verbal punching bag."_

He reached for his ever present bottle of whiskey before remembering that he'd made the decision, while still somewhat intoxicated, to stop drinking and poured all his whiskey out. _Fuck!_ He wanted a drink. The more he remembered of his conversation with Rufus, the more he needed a drink. The burn of that golden amber hued liquid would take his mind off the pain that he felt everywhere. Enough of it and he might be able to forget, at least for a time, that the hell he was in was one of his own making.

" _And Wyatt, figure it out without the whisky. It's not helping."_

The pilot's voice was so clear that he might have been standing right next to the bed. The morning after and Rufus' verbal punches were still finding their mark. _Damn it!_ His hands shook as he scrubbed them over his face and through his hair and drew in another deep breath. Wyatt tried to focus on anything other than his desire, his need, to numb the turmoil inside his body with alcohol. He could practically taste the bitter bite of whiskey on his tongue. Knew from long experience that a couple of shots would steady his hands and begin to level him out. Was this how his father had felt? Is this how his old man had dealt with the grief caused by his wife's death and his own feelings of inadequacy?

 _Well fuck that!_ All his life, he had fought to be better than his father. Swore he wouldn't turn into a cold hearted bastard who numbed his pain with liquor and used it to shut out everything around him. Wyatt vowed to himself right then that he was not going to be that guy. He was not going to turn into his father. Rufus was right, Lucy didn't need a drunk. Didn't need a man like his father and that's what he was rapidly on his way to becoming.

 _Doesn't need a man like you at all._ Wyatt slammed the door shut on the evil little voice inside his head. He didn't need the voice to point out all of the ways that he had failed Lucy. He could see it just fine for himself, thank you very much. And if he didn't, well, there was always Rufus. In the cold hard light of day, he could even acknowledge that the time time traveling terrorist had been there for Lucy when he could not. Starting with saving her life in Salem, Flynn had … _Don't go there man. Do you really want to know all the things Flynn has …_ At least this time the voice was being helpful. He really didn't want to know. This wasn't about Flynn, this was about him.

The anger he felt towards himself for the way he had treated Lucy and the rest of the team, even Flynn, _damn his black hearted soul_ , threatened to drown him. It was an all encompassing, soul crushing, fiery burning rage. Wyatt looked around his room for something to punch. _Not a good idea. Might want to start working on your anger issues as well._ Finding nothing, he left his room and headed back to the gym, thankfully meeting no-one along the way. He needed to clear his head. A few miles on the treadmill and some time with the free weights should help.

As the haze of alcohol slowly left his body, Wyatt began to remember all of the things that he had said to Lucy over the last couple of months. Cruel things. Hateful accusations and spiteful words designed to hurt. Remembering the wounded looks that Lucy had given him, mission accomplished. He felt physically ill when he recalled the quick flashes of joy he had felt each time his words had hit their mark. Without the whiskey numbing him, insulating him from any emotion other than rage, Wyatt was overcome by a deep seated sense of self loathing. By the time he reached the bathroom, he could barely stand to face himself in the mirror. As the cold water streamed down over his body, Wyatt sank to the floor and sobbed like never before. His body shuddered and raw animal like sounds of pain clawed their way out of his throat. His tears were like acid rolling down his face as he let all of the poison that had filled his heart and mind escape from his body. After it was all over, he found himself lying on the shower floor, the icy water falling like raindrops from the sky and washing his pain away.


	5. Hard Truths

_A/N: Wyatt's doing some soul searching and trying to fix the mess he's made of his life. Next chapter will check in on Lucy's progress._

Hard Truths

It was a subdued Wyatt Logan that left the bathroom. He felt empty, curiously hollowed out. Still, that emptiness was better than the jumbled up mix of emotions that had filled him before the catharsis of his shower. It had brought a certain clarity that he hadn't been graced with before. There was so much he needed to make amends for that he didn't even know where to start. He knew he needed to work through his own feelings before doing anything else, so except for meals, a couple of team meetings, and one very awkward and mercifully brief jump, most of his time was spent in his room.

By the time the he and the team returned from 1805, he had the basics of a plan. First, do no harm. Wyatt would make sure that he caused no more pain for anyone, especially Lucy. She had actively been avoiding him, not that he could blame her. It killed him, having Lucy go out of her way to not spend time with him. On the few occasions that they were forced to occupy the same space, she wouldn't meet his eyes, barely looked at him, and stood as far away from him as possible. _Yep, far away from you and as close to Flynn as she could get._ So Wyatt kept his head down and his mouth shut. Even when he watched Flynn assisting Lucy, touching her far more often and for far longer than strictly necessary. _Just like you used to. Just like you could still be doing if you hadn't royally fucked things up._ He was really starting to hate that little voice inside his head.

Second step in his master plan was to acknowledge his feelings, all of them. Wyatt accepted that he needed to work through his feelings of anger towards Jessica for the lie that their marriage had become and her betrayal. But it wasn't just anger that he felt. He grieved for the loss of his unborn child and the dream of the family that he wanted to make after Jess' return. And then there was the guilt. He felt so much guilt for placing the team in danger. For not even thinking to question why Jess was alive. He was a soldier for God's sake; he knew better. It wasn't like Rittenhouse had previously done him any favors so why did he allow himself to believe that this was anything other than a plan to damage his team. He should have seen it for what it was, an exceptionally cruel way to hurt Lucy.

Rufus was right, he had taken his anger out on everyone, with Lucy bearing the brunt of it. With no way to express his feelings to Jessica and no-one to talk through them with, given that the one person he felt comfortable sharing his thoughts with wouldn't speak to or voluntarily share the same space as him, Wyatt continued to spend most of his free time in the gym. The punching bag provided a good outlet for his rage. He piled all of his hatred for Rittenhouse, for Carol Preston, and for Jessica's actions into each punch. Sometimes it was Emma's face on the bag. He kept seeing Emma with her knife to Lucy's throat. Heard her taunting words to them.

" _Or maybe her life doesn't matter anymore now that you have your wife back."_

Thwack! _Fuck you, Emma._ Lucy always mattered. Twhack! His fist sent the bag flying again. If Lucy hadn't mattered, he would most likely be off with Jessica now. Wyatt really wanted to believe that he wouldn't have abandoned the team for Jessica but he wasn't one hundred percent sure of that fact. It made him sick to think about and he redoubled his efforts. Fists flying, he tried to purge his self-hatred through violence. If it wasn't Emma's words then is was Jessica's voice ringing in his ears and God that was so much worse.

" _I love you Wyatt but I have to protect myself and my baby. Rittenhouse is my family."_

Thwack! _What about me? I should be your family?_ His fists struck the bag over and over until his arms were incapable of further movement. Then Wyatt would move onto the treadmill. He ran for miles but no distance would allow him to outrun his inner torment.

He wanted a drink badly. The only thing that he wanted more was Lucy and to be worthy of her. So no drinking. He followed the instruction of his long ago Delta Force instructor, one step at a time. Sometimes it was a simple as putting one foot in front of the other or taking another breath despite the weight of everything crashing down upon his chest. Other times is was harder. He forced himself to keep silent as he watched Flynn with Lucy. Walked away rather than physically assaulting the other man and violently making the point that Lucy was his. Because she wasn't, not really, not anymore. And then there were the times it was damn near impossible. He tried to give Lucy the space she needed but not touching her was agony. Even as friends their relationship had always been a very tactile one. Wyatt was pretty sure that he would sell what remained of his soul to have just one more of her all encompassing hugs. There was nothing worse than knowing that he couldn't be the one to comfort her when she was sad or rub the tension from her shoulders because she wouldn't welcome that from him right now. Keeping his eye fixed on his ultimate goal, he managed to get through one day and then another.

Each night he exercised to the point of exhaustion. It was the only way to silence the thoughts in his mind. The only way to keep himself from going to Lucy. From pulling her into his arms, which was the last place she wanted to be, and never letting her go. From falling down on his knees and begging her to forgive him, take him back, give him a second chance. _Third chance. She gave you a second after you stole the Lifeboat. Fucked that one up didn't you._

Wyatt knew he didn't have the words to express how sorry he was for everything and tell her how much she meant to him. Besides, he knew that he was not what Lucy needed right now. She needed a whole man not someone who was caught between the memory of a past that might have been nothing more than a fantasy and a longing for future that he might never have.

He could admit, to himself, that he was a fucking mess. His emotions were one gigantic rollercoaster. One moment he was grieving for Jess and his dream of their relationship, the next he was enraged by her betrayal and then he would see Lucy and that rage would tumble over into his thoughts of her. The jealousy that he felt because she was always with Flynn was threatening to make him mad. They went running together in the mornings and shooting together in the makeshift range Agent Christopher had set up in the bunker. Lucy smiled at Flynn over piles of history books and all Wyatt could think was that should be me. He longed to hold Lucy in and tell her over and over how much he loved her. Because he did love her, he had for a long time. It's just that those feelings got tangled up with the memories of the love he shared with his Jess and the mess of Jessica's return.

At some point during the second week after his talk with Rufus, Wyatt added a third step. Well, not a step exactly, more of a resolution. Lucy came first. Moving forward, she was his top priority and that meant he would do what was best for her regardless of what he wanted or how much it hurt. No telling Lucy that he loved her until he had laid Jess to rest again. Once and for all, he would relegate her memory to his past. A part of him would always love her and the dream that she had represented but that dream died with her. Whatever version of Jessia was currently walking around was not his and never had been, not truly. And until he made his peace with that fact he couldn't open up to Lucy.

Sometimes he wanted to just beat his head against the wall to quiet the voice inside his head. But he was surviving. And he was sober. He had begun to work with Rufus in the evening, teaching him to fight. They would spar and Wyatt would sometimes open up to him about what he was feeling and Rufus would in turn talk about Jiya and his fears of the future. Wyatt still wasn't very good at expressing his feelings, only ever verbalized ten percent of the thoughts that ran through his mind. More than he had ever done before but still not enough and so one night he just let go.

"You know I met Jess when I was seventeen. I was walking down the hallway on my first day at a new school and there she was. She looked up at me and smiled and that was it."

Rufus nodded. "I feel you. Jiya's first day at Mason Industries was the same. Connor introduced us and it was like everything in me just woke up. The next thing I know I'm muttering something about how she's Star Trek and I'm Star Wars and it'll never work. Really don't know why she's with my sorry ass."

Wyatt laughed and then looked over at his friend. Rufus was really serious. In the two and a half years that he had known the other man Rufus made great strides with his self confidence but clearly there was still some work to be done. "I understand where you are coming from. I felt like the luckiest bastard alive that Jess chose me but do you truly not know how great you are? You're fucking brilliant. You travel through time and pull off some seriously badass escapes. And you never fail to let Jiya know how much you love her. You put her first always."

"She's it for me. I mean, I love my mom and brother but without Jiya … I guess that was one of the reasons I was so mad at you. You put her in danger."

"I know. I made a lot of ridiculously stupid decisions."

"No argument here." Rufus' smile took some of the sting out of his words. It gave Wyatt the courage to keep going.

"I'm sorry. I'm working on getting my head on straight again. I know it won't undo anything but I'd like to apologize to Jiya. Do you think you can let me know when she's ready for me to talk to her?"

If the situation was reversed, Wyatt wasn't sure he'd ever be ready to talk to Jiya. He wasn't expecting her to forgive him but he felt the need to acknowledge to each member of the team that he was aware of how badly he had failed them. _Fuck it. You're going to have to have that conversation with Flynn too._ He pushed that thought away, nowhere near ready to go there yet.

Rufus watched him for a few moments. Seemed to be judging his sincerity before responding. "Yeah, I think you can probably do that whenever you're ready. Jiya's pretty amazing. She doesn't hold grudges, lucky for me. She's a lot like Lucy that way."

Wyatt nodded. "Okay, good. I know I need to talk to Lucy but I'm not there yet. I still have a lot to work through before that can happen. I don't want to pressure her and I need to be in a place where I can handle anything that she says. Where I can respect her choices even if I don't like them."

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Pretty sure Lucy's been working through some things too."

"Yeah, with Flynn." Wyatt's low growl and fierce expression did nothing to hide his jealousy.

He knew he would never be able to repay Rufus. The pilot had become more than just a friend, Wyatt viewed the other man as a brother. And like family, Rufus was always there, forgiving his jackass behavior and sometimes, _like now,_ pointing out additional hard to face truths.

"Yeah, with Flynn." Rufus' voice was calm and matter of fact. "I know you don't want to hear this but Flynn's really stepped up. He makes sure that she is safe and is teaching her how to defend herself. He cares for her."

"I know he fucking cares for her. I can see how much he cares for her. He …" Wyatt's voice trailed off. He couldn't bring himself to admit, out loud, that he could tell that Flynn loved Lucy. It seemed a bit too much like giving up. Admitting that he had lost forever any chance with Lucy.

Rufus took note of Wyatt's clenched fists and tightened jaw but spoke anyway. "You really mean any of this stuff you've been saying? Don't get me wrong, I know you're working on things. We've all noticed that you have more control but did you hear yourself just now?"

Rufus could tell Wyatt was listening intently despite the fact that he didn't want to hear it. The soldier had been working hard to get his shit together and Rufus respected him for that. But sometimes being a good friend meant calling bullshit.

"If you're gonna put Lucy first and give her space then you have to let this thing with Flynn go. I don't like it anymore than you but he's good for her. You said it yourself, you're not in a place to be there for her. And right now Flynn is. You" at this the pilot gave a long suffering sigh and rolled his eyes, " we all, have to trust her judgment on this."

"Fuck." It was a heartfelt expletive that gave voice to all the turmoil that Wyatt was currently feeling. "I know you're right but … it just feels so much like letting her go."

Rufus' smile was sympathetic. He could see Wyatt's point. "Maybe you need to so that you can find your way back to each other again."

"Is she happy?" Wyatt could barely bring himself to ask the question. It was the last thing that he wanted to hear. His whole body wanted to reject the idea that Lucy could be ever happy without him however her happiness was all he had ever wanted. If she was happy without him, he would have to let her go.

"I don't think happy is the right word. Lucy's not happy but she does seem to be more at peace." Rufus clapped Wyatt on the shoulder and got up to go find Jiya.

He sat there for a long time after Rufus left. The pilot was far better at this relationship stuff than he gave himself credit for. Wyatt didn't like a large portion of the last part of the conversation but he needed to hear it and in some ways he felt better. He had apologized to Rufus. Opened up about what he was feeling and the world didn't end. Jiya didn't hate him and was, according to Rufus, willing to listen to his apology. It hurt, but he was starting to see that Rufus might be right about several things, including Flynn. Wyatt knew he would have to talk to Flynn despite how much it rankled. Apologize for being a dick and, even worse, thank him for the care he was showing Lucy. With a sigh, Wyatt turned back towards the treadmill. He needed to put another few miles in if he had any hope of sleeping tonight.


End file.
